# Hold fast to the law
# of the last cold tome
# Where the earth of the truth
# Lies thick upon the page
# And the loam of faith in the ink long fled
# From the drone of the nib flows on
# Till the last of the first depart
# And the least of the past is dust
# And the dust
# The dust is lost
# Hold fast
# Gormenghast #
(Wailing)
Heave, Your Ladyship.
As the brute in pursuit of the oval ball.
Shut up, Squallor!
Heave-ho! As the matelot with the hempen rope.
- Heave! - Prunesquallor! Will you shut up?
I see genitalia. It is of a sex, Ladyship.
What kind?
- Which sex? - A brand new Groan.
Squallor, what is it?
I spy testiclia, and thereabouts also a tinkle!
- It's a... - An heir, Ladyship.
An heir to the glory of Gormenghast.
It's a boy!
(Lady Gertrude moans )
It's a boy!
A boy! It's a boy!
It's a boy! It's a boy!
(Shouts echo all around)
It's a boy!
(Bells chime )
(Gunshots )
Come on! Come on!
The ninth day of the month.
The ninth, you dolt. Didn't I say the ninth?
It's blue. The egg should be blue, not red!
The ninth, Your Lordship.
11 o'clock, release of the five hawks
from the north-east turret.
one-fifteen, groaning of the dungeons with Lady Fuchsia.
Four o'clock, blessing of the meat racks.
- Six... - ..It's a boy! It's a boy!
- Damn that racket! - It's a boy!
A son for Groan!
A boy! A new earl.
(Splutters )
The seventy-seventh. Born on the ninth.
No. I don't want a brother.
- Who says I want a brother? - A little lordship.
Nannie, why didn't anyone ask me?
oh, my weak heart. I can't wait to see him and squeeze him to death.
You're a silly old fool!
Why doesn't anyone understand me?
- My own little boy. - Get me some food.
I'm furious.
I'm going to have a dream. And it's going to be a long one.
Why do I always have to wait till doomsday?
I am only the daughter of the Earl of Groan, aren't I?
All right, then. I'll starve!
I could smack him already.
It's a boy.
(Cries of delight)
(Drunken man ) Come hither! Come hither!
Come hither! We celebrate.
(Drunkenly) Close ranks, my little ones.
Tell me, my stenching little cherubs...
Tell me extra quickly and I will sing a song to you.
Who am I?
(All) Abathia Swelter, the father of excellence and plenty!
Correct...my fairy boys.
I am your dada. I am your flower of flatulence,
your gorgeous,
gaseous bud.
Where is he?
Where is that slug of summer?
That stench of goat, Steerpike! Where is he?
(All) There, sir! By the barrels!
Steerpike, my ray of addled sunshine.
Why should I sing to you,
a creature of no more consequence than a stoat's shit?
Why don't I just crush you in my paw?
Why don't I smash you into pieces?
Put...down...boy.
Mr Flay, the spidery servant on his measly legs.
Drop...boy.
oh, Mr Flay.
Is the time come? Is it?
Drop boy.
Chef of kitchen.
Chef of scum!
You are in my kitchen kingdom, servant.
This is the domain of Swelter.
- How dare you! - Flay, manservant to the Earl.
How dare you...! (Breaks wind)
How dare you!
How dare you! (Breaks wind)
How dare...
(Breaks wind)
The farter has fallen.
No respect for stones.
Vile thing.
(Spits )
one of Swelter's striped rats.
Yes, sir. You helped me, sir.
- Help? You? - Yes, sir.
You told him to drop me.
Please. I'm lost and I'm dying of heat from the kitchens.
Don't want Swelter slug. Go!
Please, sir.
Show me daylight and I'll go.
Please help me leave the vile Swelter.
Vile? Why say vile? What you done?
Done, sir? When?
Nothing, sir. Nothing at all.
I am unhappy, sir.
Unhappy? This rebellion?
No, sir. No rebellion, sir. None at all.
I am loyal to my castle. only rebellion against the vile Swelter.
Swelter! Leave him in fat and grease. Never in stone lanes.
Hold your tongue!
Teach you to be unhappy when Groan is born.
A Groan, sir?
Let me see.
Please.
Let me see a Groan.
See a Groan?
You?
Show you, kitchen rat.
See what you have never seen.
Forward, Swelter slug.
This cat room.
Whose are they?
Show you.
- Name? - Steerpike, sir.
- Queerpike? - Steerpike, sir.
Steerpike.
Squeertyke-Squeertyke? Twice? What for?
once enough for kitchen thing.
- Whose are they, sir? - Ladyship. See.
- Ladyship room. - oh.
(Groan ) Did you notice anything unusual about the boy?
Structurally, as sound as a bell.
Did you see his face?
I noticed his face, sir. If that's of any help.
Did you notice anything strange? Don't be afraid to speak out.
- Strange, Lordship? - The face, Prunesquallor. The face.
- His face was irregular, sir. - Unnatural?.
- Irregular. - Ugly?
Unnatural.
When I say ugly, use the word.
Have you ever delivered a more hideous child?
Never, my lord! Never!
And he has such extraordinary eyes.
Eyes? What's wrong with them?
They are violet, my lord.
(Flay ) Seen enough!
These are not for you. Back to hell and Swelter.
No, sir. Please...not the kitchens!
- Where you belong. - He's ugly, sir. I heard it.
The new lordship's unnatural. Lord Groan says so.
So?
- Not the kitchens. Please. - Spit it out, sink boy.
If I go back, I'll tell them what I heard.
You heard nothing.
- They'll all know he's hideous. - You'll say nothing. I'll fix you!
Little Lordship ugly? Hideous?
Teach you, Swelter rat!
(Keys jangle )
No rebellion here.
No insult to these stones from you.
(Lock turns )
At least it's not the kitchens.
(Choir sings )
(Slow mechanical ticking)
Whose is all this?
Titus Groan!
Titus!
Bring him in now, you idiot!
over here! Here!
There. over there. By His Lordship.
This is a naming, woman. Not a tea dance.
Your Lordship. As the 76th Earl of Groan,
it is written that you shall now accompany your son and heir
to the iron bowl of moat water.
Here, to the bowl. This! This!
Does it hold water like a bowl?. Then it's a bowl. Here woman!
(Slow ticking)
Down! Into the pages of the book.
It is written, and it shall be adhered to,
that between these pages, where the flax is grey,
with the wisdom, the first-born male child of the House of Groan...
- Why does he get all the glory? - Why not us?
(Both) Why not us?
..his head directed towards the water.
Head! Head!
And that these pages, heavy with the words of ritual ceremony,
and his future life shall be bent in and around him,
so that he is engulfed...
- Why has she got all the power? - It's ours. Groan's our brother.
..and is as one with the inviolable law.
How much longer?
(Bell chimes )
(Baby cries )
oops! Like rubber, Your Ladyship. Every ounce a bounce.
What's that?
I was referring to your child who's just fallen.
- Has he? Where? - He's here, ladyship.
oh. We'll go for a walk.
15 minutes on the lawn.
Master Chalk could do with the air. Can't you, dear? Come, my precious.
- He's ugly. - So are you.
I like him now he's ugly.
(Ticking)
Where have you been for the past 15 years ?
We've been in the South Wing.
- We've been thinking. - About what?
- Power. - Shh!
(Bird caws )
Inheritor of the powers I hold,
continuer of the bloodstock of the stones,
approach now the purity of the stream of Gormenghast.
Where, named and feted, you shall be consecrated
as Titus, 77th Earl of Groan,
and Lord of Gormenghast.
(Religious chanting)
Child, welcome to the fastness.
Made it! (Gunfire and pealing bells)
Come along, ladies. Come along.
Irresistible. You barbarise one, Seor Swelter.
You positively barbarise one.
oh, Mr Flea. Don't leave as if you haven't a friend in the world.
Allow me to introduce you to some of my boys.
They're your own sort, from the gutters.
They're my little spittle boys. Yes. Now, come along.
Permit me to introduce to you, Master Springers.
Master Springers, Mr Flea. Mr Flea, Master Springers.
This is Master Wrattle.
Master Wrattle, Mr Flea. Mr Flea, Master Wrattle.
Kitchen scum.
Isn't he sweet, Your Ladyship?
- Who? - His Little Lordship.
- What should I do with him? - He's had his bath.
Well, what about it? Go away.
Bring him back when he's six.
(Whistles )
Master Chalk!
Where are you?
(Chuckles )
W...Whoa!
(Inhales deeply)
Gormenghast!
(Steerpike sighs )
Who are you, then?
He's not so bad after all.
No.
Pinched nose, flat head. Weird, weird eyes.
No. No, not so bad.
Not so bad, is he?
- oh, Your Ladyship! - He is my little brother.
- oh, His Little Lordship. - oh, Nannie.
- Isn't he sweet? - oh, Nannie, I love him. And you!
They dropped him on his head and he is so ugly! I love him.
ooh! Put me down, you naughty girl. oh, you need a good smack.
- I will see him every fortnight. - My poor heart. And she says,
"Get a wet nurse from the village."
I can't manage them steps at my age.
Getting me to go out at this time of night. It's not right.
(Slate smashes ) I'll catch me death. Keeper! open it up.
Lackadaisical creature, slow as a snail. Hurry up. I'm cold.
Don't she know how far it is to the village? Up there with her birds.
(Bell chiming)
(Children's laughter)
(Lute music)
out of me way! out of me way! I've got an important announcement.
Carvers.
Low servants of the castle. Lowest of the low.
I haven't come to talk about the Ceremony of the Bright Carvings -
that is as it is and always will be.
That is the business of higher people.
Higher than me, I mean.
I have come to give you some wonderful news.
A new, little Groan has been born.
A boy of the blood. A new master.
I am in charge, as per usual.
And I want a wet nurse for him to come back with me. At once.
Who are you?
I said, "Who are you?" Answer me at once.
Keda. I am with child.
(Spits )
I don't want to stay here.
I have no man.
I want to come. Please! I am strong.
Please take me.
You'll do.
(Crash)
(owl hoots )
Her Ladyship, Fuchsia Groan.
I'm in.
Fuchsia never eats enough to grow?
And you don't feed him.
Take it, Lordship. Take it. This is your little sister's milk.
- "Sister"? What do you mean? - I'm carrying his foster sister.
- How do you know it's a girl?. - I know.
That is no sister to a Groan.
His sister is the Lady Fuchsia. This is her breakfast.
A foster child won't go near him. He's a lordship, she's a carver.
- He's them, she's you! - Her father was a great man.
- He was the best carver. - He's dead.
And the carvers won't have his illegitimate child there.
How dare you mix up the lord of Gormenghast with a little...
Bastard? You can think what you like.
But she's mine, whatever you want to call her.
Don't talk to me like that in the presence of His Little Lordship!
You stupid girl! I have work to do.
I can't work with my bad chest if you upset me.
His Little Lordship will never get mixed up with...
He'll be where he belongs. Everybody in their right place.
I'm too old.
I'm too old for all of this.
(Keda whispers ) I know she will be your little sister.
And you will love her.
(Knocking on door)
- Go away. - (Nannie ) You've got to eat.
How will you grow up? You are the naughtiest girl.
Go away! I'm going to have an adventure.
Doctor Prune has got a present for you.
- I don't care. What is it? - Let me in and I'll tell you.
When I am Queen, I am going to burn down the castle.
What did you say? open this door.
oh, you are the wickedest girl.
You are the most...
Fuchsia?
(Fuchsia laughs )
I am Fuchsia. I am me!
Don't be frightened.
Wait and see!
oh?
- Go away! What are you doing here? - The Lady Fuchsia Groan, I believe.
Nobody comes here. This is mine. I hate you!
- Madam? - Go away! Go!
- Madam, I have seen such things! - This is private.
Forgive me, madam. But your book, that I couldn't help glancing at...
the adventures in there are nothing to what has happened to me.
Really happened.
You wouldn't believe me.
B...Believe what?
Shh!
I have seen a great pavement in the sky.
I have been colder than ice. I have had no food or sleep.
Lady Fuchsia, I am a rebel.
- I come for sanctuary. - Sanctuary?
- Like a knight, your Ladyship. - You're wearing kitchen clothes.
That's where I escaped from.
My name is Steerpike.
I cannot tell you about the pavement in the clouds...yet.
Why?
There are many mysteries in this world. Some may be too strong
for the delicate heart of a lady such as yourself.
- You are an adventurer. - Exactly.
I am a man of purpose.
Hide me, I beg you. Employ me, and I will never let you down.
- I swear it. - You will swear an oath?
I am yours to do with as you will.
What is that awful stink?
It's the filthy dregs you poured over me, madam.
- You'd better wash, hadn't you? - Yes, Ladyship.
Well?. Don't just stand there kneeling. Follow me.
Don't forget you promised to find me employment.
I did not! How dare you tell such lies!
I apologise, madam. You are my queen. My absolute queen.
I am in your hands.
Your minstrel, Steerpike.
oh, good! oh, good!
(Cock crows )
Come on!
(Roars )
(Knocking on door)
Go away. I'm not here now.
(Nannie calls) It's Dr Prune. He's got a present for you.
- My present. I forgot my present. - Your clown, madam.
Please don't ever forget your clown.
Nannie.
- The doctor's waiting, Ladyship. - In a minute. I'll come to you.
oh, good! Good!
(Nannie ) A kitchen boy! How could you shame yourself?
Quiet, Nannie! I want my present.
Well, well. You've brought a friend, have you?
Master Steerpike, sir. At your service.
I don't know about "at my service".
I wouldn't have any service left if everyone was suddenly "at" it.
"In" my service would be preferable.
That's all right, then. He's come for a job. Where's my present?
My dear Mrs Slagg.
I have always been fascinated by those who want to work.
(Bell rings ) What do you fancy, Fuchsia, my dear child?
- Elderberry...to tide you over? - What's my present, Dr Prune?
Ah, your present!
I saw the diamant in your teardrops when your brother was born.
Diamant! What is it? Diamonds?
A-ha!
And you, sir? What in the name of hosiery is that you're wearing?
A kitchen jacket, kitchen trousers and kitchen shoes.
All about me is kitchen. Which is insulting.
I'll take a brandy, thank you.
I see.
And if you are not kitchen, what's beneath that fetid attire, eh?
Are you a problem case or without ideas?
With your permission, sir, neither. I have plenty of ideas -
problems too!
My first is to impress you with my talent so I may serve you.
My! Well, what maladdress! What enormity of surface!
You tantalise me in a pleasant sort of way, Master Steerpike.
But whether I want you hanging about my house is another kettle of fish.
- I never hang about, sir. - You hung about in my room.
- He climbed there. He's clever. - Kitchen boy!
It's as a dispenser, I see myself.
Do you have any knowledge of the pharmaceuticals?
- Under you, I could learn. - A diabolically clever monster!
Sir, your service is a bit slow. Perhaps I might pep it up a little?
I'm bored talking about him. What about my present?
of course, my dear. Master Steerpike, would you be so good...
(Door closes )
Goodness me.
May I open the door for you? You look as if you're having difficulty.
(Prunesquallor) Mollocks!
No more kitchens for me.
It's almost too easy.
Thank you Dr Pru. Thank you.
Ah, ladyship.
Take care, my dear. Happy dreams.
I'm afraid I'm still here, Doctor.
What is that?!
That, my dear sister, is Master Steerpike, who wishes to serve us.
Did he go upstairs? I heard feet.
And what is wrong with feet? I've always found mine most useful.
Especially when walking. They're almost purpose-built.
You are drunk with your own levity. I heard feet and you take no notice!
I also heard something, madam.
I was waiting here, for the doctor's decision, when I heard feet.
I told you so, Alfred.
I crept up the stairs, but there was no one there, so I returned.
Thank you, Mr...?
Steerpike. You're welcome.
Standing before me in your exquisite gown of darkness...
"Exquisite gown of darkness." oh, that's good.
I have an overwhelming desire to serve you.
A bounteous lady like yourself may be unwilling,
but tomorrow, if I may, I shall remove that stain
I see on the hem of this exquisite gown that so becomes you.
Well, exquisite, bounteous, and albeit stained, begowned sister.
I...I think we shall dress him in pale grey.
Yes!
(Claps )
Where shall I sleep?
# I heard a winter tree in song
# Its leaves were buds
# A hundred strong
# When all at once
# It ceased to sing
# For every leaf
# Had taken wing #
Titus.
You will be free.
(Bell tolls)
You make me late. You wicked boy!
(Barquentine ) Come on! Come on!
The Ceremony of the Bright Carvings.
From the sunrise
to the night of the moon. In eternal day and eternal night.
What has been has always been,
and will always be Gor-men-ghast!!
(Crowd) Gormenghast!
Carvers create beauty
for the delectation of the lord.
His Lordship will now select the best carvings.
The rest will be burnt.
(Gong)
Well, they've all got to go sooner or later.
Which one first?
(Crowd sighs )
(Gong)
(Prunesquallor) We have been doubly privileged.
First the ceremony, and then a visit from your good selves.
- Who's he? - I am your servant, madam. Madam.
- What's he here for? - only your gracious patronage.
- only your favour. - Say it again.
only your gracious favour.
We'll give it to him. You can take us home.
I am honoured.
Climbs faster than Virginia creeper.
- (Cora ) All this could be ours. - (Clarice ) The whole place.
(Cora ) We had 100 servants and livery and coaches.
(Steerpike ) And she stole them.
- What did he say? - Say it again.
Lady Gertrude stole them. Everybody knows.
(owl hoots )
(Both) Wait! Mr Steerpike!
Your apartments, Ladyships.
But they're not fit for ladyships.
(Cora ) What did he say?
It makes me mad, my lady. My lady.
It makes me mad, mad, mad! I am in such a fury.
How can such gracious, bountiful,
generous, beautiful... superior ladies...
- (Both) Us? - ..be the victims of such thieves?
It makes me mad!
I am your servant.
With your permission, I pledge my life to restoring your privileges.
- our privileges? - our servants?
- And our thrones? - We never had thrones!
All of it. Livery, thrones, servants, coaches. The lot.
But what about Gertrude?
Tell no one what we've said. Leave it to me.
We did have thrones, I remember.
- Lady Clarice. - Cora.
Lady Cora. You must concentrate on what I am saying.
I have made a pledge. Do you want your power back?
- (Both) oh, yes! - Then I shall return.
Good night, my sweet ladies.
(Cora ) What did he say?
(Both) Sweet ladies! Hmm.
(Baby cries )
(Nannie ) What's up me little sweetness?
Are you damp, me little adorable?
- (Flay ) Come, quick. Come. - (Nannie ) Be good, Little Lordship.
You're going to see your papa. oh, don't cry.
ooh. Shh.
Put him here.
I have found these for him. Sit with him, Nurse. on the rug.
I have in mind a family gathering
to confer... (Nannie sighs )
- What is it, Nurse? - I am so tired, my lord.
Then lie down. This day week at eight o'clock, dress the boy
in his christening robes and bring him here. Inform those concerned.
If they're surprised, no matter. I want to do it.
A gathering to arrange and confirm a breakfast for my son.
The Countess. Lady Fuchsia. Their Ladyships, Clarice and Cora.
And perhaps Prunesquallor and his sister.
Yes, Lordship.
Let me see him.
He has improved.
- Not so hideous. - He's a gorgeous little one.
Instill into him
his time, his birthplace,
his heritage,
and a respect for all his fathers.
Will you?
Perhaps he won't like it.
Do it for me, Nurse.
Flay, take Mrs Slagg back.
You need not return tonight. Have my room ready.
Lordship.
(Door closes )
( Quavering) My son.
oh, my son.
(Long wail) Gormenghast!!
(Sobs )
Mad. All mad.
(Laughs )
- About time too, you old groaner. - Where'd you get that?
Shame to let it rust. Don't you think? Such wasters, they are.
That is not for you to say. Kitchen boy.
Doctor's dispensary clerk, Slagg.
And don't go trying to be superior with me.
- We're from the same place. - out of me way. Drainage.
Talking of places. I know where you're going now.
How can you? That's the business of His Lordship and Mr Flay.
You're visiting the simple sisters.
Half-wits Clarice and Cora. or is it the other way round, Slagg?
How dare you!
How are you feeling, Slagg? Heart bad? Legs weak?
It's about another mile past the South Wing, and further.
I'd say you should thank me.
- What for? - I've done it for you. I told them.
Eight o'clock next Friday.
His Lordship mentioned it to me. He didn't think you were up to it.
(Whispering) In truth,
he wasn't sure you were fit enough to look after his son either.
Not fit? For His Little Lordship?
Don't worry. I saved your bacon.
I told him you had years in you yet.
Look what I've done for you already!
Us from the sewer should stick together.
oh, by the way. Clarice and Cora can't make it.
Illness is the cause, I believe. or is it dementia?
Anyway, tell Flay, and he'll think you made the journey yourself.
Good morning, Slagg.
The young prince, with stars for eyes
and a half moon for a mouth,
was asleep and didn't know
that the dwarf with brass teeth was creeping towards him.
(Caws )
Master Chalk.
Have you come to ask forgiveness for being away so long?
What is it, Master Chalk?
What's wrong?
(Steerpike ) All of this.
Look, there! The Tower of Flints in the West Wing.
The Blue Dome in the East. And the North Wing and Great Library there.
Gormenghast Mountains and the wilderness as far as one can see.
All, all and everything. What else is there but Gormenghast?
- Who does it belong to? - (Cora ) Brother Groan.
- Who should it belong to? - (Both) Us.
Let's think about this.
Your brother controls it all. True. But is it right and proper?
Is it just?
Do you believe it's justice that he has taken everything that is yours?
Do you believe this injustice should be destroyed?
So, then, how do you destroy your brother?
How has he done this to you?
Why is he so clever?
- He reads books. - Exactly.
Without books, he's not clever and you could defeat him, couldn't you?
What's the best way to destroy books?
- Um...I would burn them. - So would I. With fire.
Hmm? The books are in the library.
- We oughtn't burn the library. - oh, no.
Lady Clarice. Lady Cora.
I told you I come in serious errand.
Listen to this.
At the end of next week, His Lordship, your brother, is holding
a gathering for the family to discuss a breakfast for Titus.
- We can wear purple! - No, green!
- Purple! - You are not invited.
Even Prunesquallor and his silly sister have been invited.
But not Lady Clarice and not Lady Cora.
- Not invited? - Lady Clarice?
- Lady Cora? - Not invited?
Not invited.
Personally, I think your plan to burn down the library is genius.
- (Clarice ) We want to do it! - (Both) Burn it! Burn it!
Sit down at once!
I am pledged to help you, am I not? If it is your desire,
I will give you instructions on how to burn it down when it is empty.
But only if it is your desire.
Can we watch it burn?
- Do you want to be caught? - (Both ladies ) No.
Then watch it from here. You will be quite safe.
(owl hoots )
A red flower.
Red, Lordship?
I am a father.
A red flower for my son.
(Steerpike ) Tell me once more.
(Clarice ) We've been indoors.
- All the time. - We've been indoors.
- (Cora ) All the time. - (Clarice ) We've been indoors.
- (Cora ) All the time. - (Clarice ) We've...
The library is now empty. It's time we started, Your Ladyships.
(Bell tolls)
These nights that the owls in the Tower of Flints
seek their prey as heretofore.
(Titus cries )
Although against all the usual tradition
and log and rhythm of the castle,
His Lordship shall speak the matter on his mind.
It is for my son that I rewind the ritual.
A breakfast for him and for me. (Barquentine moans )
Is it too much to ask? It shall be done, Master Secretary.
I say this day, two months...
(Titus bawls)
Where is he?
He said to wait here.
(owl hoots )
Now.
Congratulations, my ladies. You have never been braver or more brilliant.
- Will we get our coaches? - of course. If you do as I say.
- Will we get our thrones? - Everything. Go home and wait.
- Servants? - Everything. Now go at once.
- Everything...coaches. - Everything...thrones.
- (Cora ) Everything...servants! - (Clarice ) Everything...power!
(Groan ) As I say, Master Secretary...
Nannie Slagg,
the child!